I am finally settled with the new working role. At the beginning, it was really strange to get up early in the morning and come back in the morning again. I lost total control of my life. My mind raced through the past, I suddenly realised that how much he left behind even if I moved so far away. He planted himself in me, totally totally in me.

We landed on the same ground and decided to walk through life together. I paid so little attention to him, that I did not even realise that he was lacking behind. When I did, it was too late. To late for us to meet again, we missed each other. I tried so hard to bring back the past to the present, I hurt myself once and once again until I realise that not only time has moved on, we have moved on as well. We will never be the same again, it does not matter how hard we have to try.

I am sorry that I have hurt you, I will have to let you go. Sometimes, it is jsut better to let it go.

Little rat working in a factory, preparing for Christamas presents...That is exactly what I feel at the moment... Life seems to be so long and endless. I try to get through, but has to be alone.

Sorry mum, I have shut myself down completely from you. I do not want to hurt you. I really do not know what is going on with my life at the moment. It is a huge change. I am trying my best not to loose myself.

I feel really bad that I am still complaining so much, eventhough I have so much in life already. I really do not know what more to expect.

I have lost him... in my heart, I know that I have finally lost him...

I am loosing myself and the heart...

I am going to become a rat toy who works in the factory...

Christmas is coming...

Working,

The alarm rangs at 8:00am (sometimes earlier), the urge of sleeping for another 5 mins push me to turn it off, so I need 3 alarms in the morning and I need to stay as close as possible to the office.

Looking at myself in the mirror and counting the pores...oh no, there are another 3 spots...hair, face...nothing is good... no time to think about it, I am late... foundation is getting thicker day by day. Breakfast is always a sacrifice due to my long make-up time.

Xue'r

I have two exams on the same day on Friday. I am really scared.... I wish you are here with me. I probably will throw you into the sky again. ^ ^ Do you remember the time that you had to do high jump with me, that was so funny... I am going back to China in a week time... I will be a bit lonely without you being there...but it is ok, I will cope...

I saw cherries today, but I did not have cash to buy it. You do not like cherries, you like strawberries... Sorry I always have the good ones first... ^ ^

I should start revising again...Feel that internal calm....Xue'r I know you will be watching me and praying for me... I know you are always there... I know it...

Miss you...

Xue'r, Happy birthday. I had lots of stuff for diner, I ate it for you. If you come back to my life, I promise you that:

I will let you eat first,

I will not dominate you anymore,

I will not be bossy,

I will not cry so much,

I will not steal your strawberries,

I will not throw you into air,

I will not force you to run around,

I will not leave you with anyone,

I will always love and care for you,

Please come back, I miss you so much,

I beg you....

Where are you?

Maybe haven is too good to leave,

I will pray for you....